Gates-gate, a Brouhaha in Three Acts

posted by Stal on 2009.08.06, under Stal

If ye be yearning for the return of Talk Like Shakespeare Day, there be good tidings from the intersection of Elizabethan English and contemporary events.

In a most excellent three-act drama by the staff of the Boston Globe, the tale of Gates-gate and its eventual resolution through the aid of King Barack and some good ales unfolds. Tis certainly a worthy read in its entirety, but for the laggards among us, here’s a taste:

AXELROD: [...] What here? A saucy tale from Cambridgeham. The Sheriff has arrested a Moor for crimes unbefitting a gentleman.

BARACK: Stupid sheriffs arrest many Moors.

AXELROD: Perhaps in the Chicagoland of our youthful acquaintance, my lord. Not so many in Cambridgeham. ’Tis a most gentil and parfit place.

BARACK: Who is the man, and what is his crime?

AXELROD: ’Tis the Most Exalted University tutor Gates. Back has he spoken to the Sheriff, unbidden.

BARACK: Gates? I know this man. We have supped together on the enchanted Isle of Martha’s Vineland. I have seen him with Lady Oprah, prating about his ancestry.

AXELROD: Perhaps a photo op, my lord? We invite Gates and the Sheriff here, quaff ale in the summer heat, and proclaim peace and brotherhood among all men.

BARACK: And savor tobacco from the Duke of Marlboro?

AXELROD: Not with the people watching, sire.

[ A Tale Told by an Idiot / Boston Globe ]

President Obama Is Not A Citizen

posted by Stal on 2009.08.04, under Stal

In honor of President Obama’s birthday today, I thought I’d take a look at the so-called Birther movement, which disputes Obama’s citizenship. Despite the seeming authenticity of his birth certificate, a surprising number of conservative pundits continued to express doubts during the 2008 election about Obama’s right to the presidency. Well, after some exhaustive analysis, I am pleased to say that it is very easy to demonstrate that President Obama is not a US citizen. This can be done in a number of ways:

Cognitive relativism is a school of philosophic thought that holds that an idea is only true if it is true within a particular conceptual framework that is subjective to an individual or a particular social group. With respect to the Birthers, then, we can see how Barack Obama is not an American citizen. The conceptual framework makes this an impossibility. After all, according to the Birthers, it is impossible for the short-form Certification of Live Birth to be acceptable proof that Barack Obama because their conceptual framework simply doesn’t allow for this to be true.

And another plausible explanation: Norse mythology shows that Obama is not a citizen. Loki is a prominent Norse god of trickery, and he is fated to bring about Ragnarok, the end of the world, which is to be preceded by 3 years of winter (or Fimbulvetr). Obama has been persistent in supporting cap and trade legislation, and this prevention of greenhouse effects will surely lead the Earth into its next ice age. In essence, Loki made it appear as if Obama were a citizen, thus ensuring the onset of Fimbulvetr and the impending end of the world.

From this, I conclude that Obama is unfit to be president, and demand his immediate replacement with a band of panflute minstrels.

[ Is Barack Obama an American Citizen / Heretical Ideas ]

President of the Flies

posted by Stal on 2009.06.17, under Stal

(as mentioned at lunch)

This morning in a press conference for financial markets regulatory reform, Obama showed that though he had Rahm around to do his dirty work,  he too could lay the smackdown.

“Get out of here,” the commander-in-chief ordered a fly that was buzzing him during the interview.

The insect ignored the presidential order.

Obama waited for the fly to land and then, in one swift blow, smacked it dead.

“That was pretty impressive, wasn’t it?” Obama asked interviewer John Harwood. “I got the sucker.”

Here is the PETA statement on Obama’s actions: “He isn’t the Buddha, he’s a human being and human beings have a long way to go before they think before they act.”

[ Via USA Today ]

Number of Pirates Killed by each President

posted by Stal on 2009.04.14, under Stal